The other day, Conner was mad at me because even though his TV show was not over, it was time to go to school. I had asked him to turn the TV off and go potty. He had back-talked a little and gotten in trouble on his way there. From the bathroom I heard, "Go away, God! And you too, Jesus! I want to be alone!"
Bret sat down and talked to him about that for a few minutes, about how God and Jesus are always with us, no matter how much we want to be alone. They talked about how wonderful it is that we are never actually alone.
I just haven't been able to stop thinking about it, though. How cool is it (aside from the fact that he had actually told them to go away) that at four years old, God and Jesus are so real to him, so close, so present, that he asks them to leave when he wants to be alone?
I'm a little jealous! I definitely know God's presence, and I know that He's always there...I just don't know that it's always quite that intimate. I'm really struggling with some trust issues right now. God keeps finding ways to impress upon me that I've got to put my trust in Him -- not family, not friends, not even His church, but Him.
Over the past couple of years, I've been let down by people that I trusted in some pretty big ways. I keep thinking that I've dealt with it and am over it, and then something else happens to make it blatently obvious that I am still carrying this huge burden of resentment and distrust.
Recently I've found myself in a situation in which I am fearful for the safety of my children in a place that should be relatively safe. Bret and I have really struggled with how to best correct this situation, while remaining true to the full extent of our calling as Christians and ministers. While the situation is a really big deal to us, those who are in the best position to help make things better don't seem to think that it's that big of a problem. I struggle with wondering if we're just being nervous, worried, over-protective parents...or if there's really a legitimate concern here. I struggle with finding the line between just trusting God to make everything okay...and using the means He has made available to me -- for just such situations -- to make it okay. I struggle with keeping all of my worry and hurt feelings inside...and confiding in the friends that He has blessed me with for just such situations.
Last night I got the rare privilege of going out to dinner with some girlfriends -- no kids or hubbies allowed. (Except Joey, to whom the rules don't quite apply yet!) Because of my tendency to harbor these feelings I think that I am sometimes kind of hard to get to know really well. But God has blessed me with several friends here who have been able to break past that and know when I'm holding onto something that I really need to let out. They had me in tears in no time, and gosh, it felt good to share. They let me talk, shared my concern, and prayed for me. While it still involves putting trust in people, I could feel that God was giving me this baby step toward putting my trust in Him, too -- He is the one who has given me these friends. I honestly think that one of the reasons that He has put some of them here in this very place at this very time is for me. I am thankful for that.
Yesterday Conner wanted to draw a surprise picture for Daddy -- something that would really make him happy. He decided to draw a picture of Jesus dying on the cross -- that would make Daddy really happy because Jesus died for us. Wow. Oh to have the faith, the innocence, the trust of a child. God teaches us so much through our children.
Oh, and by the way, Conner was right. The picture is sitting on the kitchen countertop underneath Bret's keys so that he can take it with him and hang it up in his office.
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